Stepping out into the . . . light?

23Jan14

It has been a while. It has been a time.

What a time.

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It’s hard for me to say where I have been. I don’t want to say where I’ve been, but I can give you a glimpse.

If the flow of this talk (can we call it that?) seems out of  order it’s because I’m not trying to keep it straight. My thoughts are kind of jumbled and unorganized but I have left them that way on purpose. There is no need to hold them down as tight as I had.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu

I am taking another step to getting my life back from the abyss. With a great deal of help I saw a light.

There was a lot of talking

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And drugs (do I need to add that they were prescription drugs? I guess I just did)

Pill Box

I know that there are a lot of opinions about medications and I respect them. They helped me. This is my story and I’m sticking to it 🙂

Of course there was some laughs and soul searching

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(Note: This movie is not about Bipolar … though I loved it a lot)

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(I assume this offends no one)

But here’s the twist. It seems to me that whenever I hear of a person making it through some horrible circumstance that they always say that it was their family that got them through, but for me the thing that got me through was sleep.

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A lot of sleep . . .

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I slept for most of 6 weeks

6 Weeks I hibernated . . .

It was a dead sleep devoid of dream. It never stopped, even when I propped myself up at the supper table and pretended I was fine – these waking moments only lasted a few hours and my first thought was always about sleep. I’ll hav to write more on this sleep. It was special. Scary and dark, and muted and blank – it was nothing and so was I when I was in it . . . more on that another day.

So sleep go me through, but it was family that have been bringing me out of that darkness.

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Little voices of happiness at first filled me with guilt but in time made me yearn to be with them with a hunger I can’t describe. It was the messy kisses, the snuggles, the projects they made for me – that brought me out. Their needs are what is keeping me out.

I’ll try to post more.

I was very moved by the messages sent by many of you. Words of encouragement mean so very much.  I wonder if you knew that in the quiet moments of the night when I cared to open my email and I saw another post from a caring friend, it really did help. Thank you 🙂

Here’s some sweet music to get you along. If even for a little while

 

 

 

 

 

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One Response to “Stepping out into the . . . light?”

  1. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. Glad to see your update.

    I often wish I could hibernate the winter away….

    I’ve gone through smaller depressions where all I wanted to do was sleep, but nothing on a long-term scale like that.

    Do you think this period of hibernation is ultimately healing? Kazmirez Dabrowski talked about periods of positive disintegration. Though frightening to experience, the disintegrative periods result in a higher level development. Maybe that’s what your depressions are about, too.

    Do you think there could be a positive benefit, for you, as a person? Could it be a period of creative gestation? I’m hoping it is, for you.

    All the best,

    Casey


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