Building a Moment

09Jan13

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Today, I want to build something, and I hope I can take you with me.

I’m not manic or even hypomanic, but rather, I feel like I just took my first breath of free air since this long depression has been holding me down.

I want to build something now. A mood. A thought. And I want to share.

Bear with me and read the following truth by Pema Chodron:

“We rob ourselves of being in the present by always thinking that the payoff will happen in the future. The only place ever to work is right now. We work with the present situation rather than a hypothetical possibility of what could be. I like any teaching that encourages us to be with ourselves and our situation as it is without looking for alternatives. The source of all wakefulness, the source of all kindness and compassion, the source of all wisdom, is in each second of time. Anything that has us looking ahead is missing the point.”

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So what is the point?!

The point is that this moment is the only one that we can be sure of. This is the only moment we can live in. Tomorrow never exists! There is only, for you and for me, right now.

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So there’s some great foundation. Building again . . .

This is our moment. The only moment. Since it is the only moment, we need to revere it. It is precious. In this moment we find ourselves. And if we work hard and strive to be honest, it is in this moment that we are truly ourselves – whatever that is.

the-structure

Let’s add some more to this structure. . . don’t want to get cold . . .

So, we have found ourselves, in this moment. We are the only person we will ever be, in this only moment we will ever have. And that is good enough. That is good enough.

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Let’s throw some pillows around – you can never have enough of them . . .

True kindness and compassion comes from allowing yourself to be that person in the moment, no matter who that is, since it is all that there is. Forgive yourself for not reaching some milestone. Forgive yourself for being tired, for not answering the phone, for not being the best parent, for not being perfect. You are not perfect. You are good enough.

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Light the fire now . . .

We can sit in this moment and forgive ourselves. We can sit in this moment and identify all of our feelings and insecurities. We can take each of these problems, patiently, one by one, and learn from them. Why do I feel this way? Is this reasonable? Is this something I need to change? Or is this something that I can let go of? Why am I still holding on to that?

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Leave the door open, it’s warm by the fire and we’d love some unconditional love to come visit . . .

Once we’ve let go of all the things we can release, we re-examine what is left behind. Can I change this? What do I need to do? Can I promise to be patient with myself while I work on this? Can I let compassion be my guide? Instead of judging myself, can I nurture my needs?

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Snuggle in deeper now . . .

This moment is the moment you are giving yourself to just be your own precious self.

let-go

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5 Responses to “Building a Moment”

  1. 1 livingbipolarlife

    First thank you for vising my blog.

    I love this post. You’ve said it so well. Today is what are given. Live in the moment and let go. Whether you have mental illness or not I am every person would do good to follow your inspiration.

  2. Thanks for this post, not only is it beautiful, but I like the visual reminders to forgive myself. It feels like I’ve messed up so many times with my daughters, my husband, even some friends.

    I have complex-PTSD which sometimes makes me seem borderline. I have hashimoto’s thyroiditis which mimics bipolar II. My doctor told me he couldn’t treat it until my thyroid burned completely out.

    My husband had some really big issues as well. I had 3 children in 3.5 years (and dealt with my first episodes of depression), and quit my job in medical genetics which was a major stabilizing force in my life. My daughters all were high needs, and two has emotional intensity (not bipolar, I don’t think, but maybe mild Asperger’s, inherited either from me or their father).

    If I could only name the beast, I might be able to find the most effective way to tame it, you know?

    In the meantime, to cope with the mood swings (I can handle the occasional exuberance, and even the profound sadness and tears and foggy brain, what I can’t is the anger because it hurts the people I love),

    I did some really stupid things and piled on more traumatic experiences I had to integrate.

    The last 11 years have been, in a word, insane. I feel more stable now. But is this just a lull? Will I wake up one morning with the most recent progress forgotten and will I regress? And I fear for everyone around me when I go through menopause. My mother was a complete terror during her time.

    I’m glad I stumbled across your blog. It feels good here.

    • 3 children in 3.5 years?! You deserve an award! That is amazing! I think that would be enough of to push anyone to their tipping point but for someone fighting such a hard battle to take on such a challenge is nothing short of awe inspiring – my hat is off to you madam.
      I know what you mean about needing to name the beast that’s chasing you. I know that once I was given a diagnosis (and then after six months or more for me to accept the diagnosis) I felt a calm that came with being able to face this beast and knows its name – I felt like it gave me something to hang on to.
      The fear that things will fall apart again . . . I feel that too. I worry that I wont be able to live up the standards I’ve set for myself and the high (unbelievable?) standards I think others have set for me. I think women definitely have it worse than men since men are expected to bring home a paycheck, whereas women are expected to have careers AND be super-moms – this is harsh and unfair. What do you think?

      I love that we’ve connected and I hope we keep this dialogue going 🙂

  3. Reblogged this on The Sprightly Writer and commented:
    This is an amazing post of self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and letting go. I am simply touched by the warmth and compassion expressed here and I’m deeply grateful to its author.


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